WAIT NICOLE... I MUST know all about YOU...
NO WAIT STOP UR TOO SEXY IM SCARED TAKE ME HOMEIs that so... I struggle a lot with believing others could be curious about me, let alone care. I am so very deeply insecure. I realized that it's partly because I feel unworthy of anything decent in my life. For the longest time, I thought life was always meant to be difficult, and the consistent shaking, overthinking, and sobbing were due to nothing other than the obvious anxiety I had and my "inability" to get accustomed to being a human the way others did.
I genuinely thought from the most developmental years of my life (ages 8-20) that everyone on this planet trembled at their personal failed attempts at standing up for themself. In my teenage years, I made a few attempts at trying to get help, which were shut down before anything substantial could come from them. - i was the type of person to need to know what the other person was thinking at all time, to prepare for the best possible answer moving forward which riddled me with anxious thoughts and this constant need to be perfect still runs through my blood although I am aware of it now, this small aspect of myself and other things are what has shaped me into who I am today and i am doing everything i can to go against the small traumatized girl that i have always known. which in a way is basically me saying " I am currently attempting to be someone I've never known,"
⋆｡‧˚ʚ♡ɞ˚‧｡⋆ so.. HI, I am Nicole ⋆｡‧˚ʚ♡ɞ˚‧｡⋆
wow I didn't know you were Peruvian!!!! how is that???
I do have a love-hate relationship with Peru and my people. There seems to be deeply ingrained misogyny in any culture, but I feel as if Peru is a little further behind than most countries in their everyday life. A lot of my people seem to be severely damaged and resort to physical violence when facing intense emotions, assisting the very prevalent domestic violence rate that they have, which has also contributed to one of the catalytic traumas I have that I am still working through to this day. I am the first person in my family lineage to be born in America, and with that came several issues that I am still unpacking. What parts of my Peruvian identity do I hold on to, and what parts of the American identity that I have must I uphold? It's an ongoing battle in my family - I am considered the outcast in my home. Crazy to Peru, sane to America. Yet I love my culture, but because of my culture. A lot of things that have happened to me would send a born and raised white American citizen through a mental-emotional centrifuge.
WHAT IS IN MY EVERYDAY BAG???
nicole please i have a few more questi
whynicol
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What’s the meanest thing someone has said to you that still stuck?
Being called useless by my sister when I was 10, & prob when my mom told me I was the root of her misery when we were eating frozen yogurt bc i wanted her to understand things she did were hurtful to me.
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Do you fall in love with people or potential? I am such a lover of the potential of a man... I think I get it from my mom.
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What’s something you’ll never tolerate again? physical, emotional, and psychological abuse mixed in with a bf who would enforce the "no means yes" mentality in our relationship. The bar is obviously pretty low lol
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What’s your attachment style in one sentence? "Where are u going and why are you leaving me?" In other words, the anxious attachment style - I have severe abandonment + codependency issues, and I think I have Borderline Personality Disorder , i'm ngl.
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What’s the hardest lesson you learned from love?
you are able to say no if u don't want to do something + you have a say in anything and everything that goes on between you two really.
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Have you ever self-sabotaged something good?
is water wet?
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What version of urself do u miss the most?
I don't really miss any past aspect of myself that isn't rooted in toxicity. I take so much comfort in pain. sometimes I will tell my boyfriend I missed the version of myself tht was crying every night in physical pain begging the gods to take my life but that's bc it was something I was used to - the loneliness and depressive aspect of that era of my life, it was comforting and even before my diagnosis I had been crying my chest out to the gods to take my life for years. Any response I give to this question would be a bad one, rooted in misery and ignorance.
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Something u secretly crave more than love?
emotional security
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What’s something you’re trying to unlearn?
all the toxic and protective mechanisms I set in place to "protect" myself. I want to love and yearn again without my past getting in the way of everything always.
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What scares you more: failure or being ordinary?
being ordinary. Failing is intertwined with giving up, and I DON'T give up.
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Do you think people can truly know each other?
Yes but it takes a lot of effort that the average person is unwilling to put in
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What do you think your younger self would say about you now?
"girl u are so fucking tea now come over here and let me eyp. yasss "
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Nicole.... in as few words as possible what are a few things that are near & dear to ur heart?
Tell me more about ur chronic health issues?
ffg
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What do you have again & who do you see for this?
I have Lupus, Lupus Nephritis, Rheumatoid Arthritis, Mixed Connective Tissue Disease, Scleroderma, Fibromyalgia, and Sjorgens Disease. I see a rheumatologist for most of these but i do see a Nephrologist for my Lupus Nephritis. I see a iron doctor (?) as well and a Holistic Naturopathic Physician to tackle several vitamin deficiencies. I also have severe regurgitation in the mitral valve of my heart so I do see a cardiologist but she doesn't think my heart issues are due to my chronic health issues. (yassss queen)
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What’s a moment that made you realize your life had changed forever?
i think its when all my doctors kept drilling it in my head that i am way too young for these things to be happening to me and reinforcing that i need to take my medication as there is no way around this one.
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What’s the emotional aftermath of repeated medical testing?
there have been points in my autoimmune and health journey where I've had to get my blood drawn around 10-15 times in the span of two weeks due to a flare or something being horribly wrong pain wise. usually by the end, every time I would get poked I would just burst into tears even though nothing hurt. I was over it. I couldn't take the constant pricking from needles it started to take a toll on my mental well-being even though the actual process didn't hurt me I was mentally broken... on top of that they would take an insane amount of blood that would make my friends eyes widen every time i showed them.
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What’s something you miss doing impulsively?
god... eating whatever I pleased without worrying about something hurting the next day. now I must eat everything whole foods and although its so good, sometimes I just want a fat juicy disgusting heart attack causing burger without my chest hurting or my joints on the verge of hurting me.
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What does a flare actually feel like?
like you're useless, but it depends on what is flaring up. sometimes it will be my joints other times it could be my chest cavity causing my shoulder muscles to hurt so bad ill wake up seething in pain. In the beginning, my entire body was giving out so ANY sort of movement hurt me. I couldn't move w/o the help of my bf or mom. sometimes I would pee my pants crying in pain RUSHING to the bathroom that was a 15 second walk to - I really did feel useless & burdensome. my kidneys are practically fighting for their lives currently & I am on the road to getting open heart surgery soon. some flares feel like there is a 80 pound weight on my chest or back, other times it feels like you've hit the gym for 5 hours w/ no protein/stretching & the pain is similar to the day after the workout but for 2-3 weeks. it is mind-numbing, isolating and the instant shut down of anything remotely close to the production of serotonin when you're in it.
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lol water retention in my vagina. fat ass pussy it looked inflated and it would jiggle - no funny shit. this was when I had to really take my water intake seriously. seeing my body like that made me so SICK. ·····⋆༺𓆩❀𓆪༻⋆༺𓆩❀𓆪༻⋆༺𓆩❀𓆪༻⋆········
Do you ever grieve the body you used to have?
god yes. but I realized I missed the amount of carelessness that I had going on on an average day. I had/have an obvious eating disorder - in a way these diagnosis' forced me out of that deep depressive hole I was in that thought it was okay to live off one roll of sushi & a md ice coffee. I really did not care for anything health wise until my body basically shut down. ·⋆༺𓆩❀𓆪༻⋆༺𓆩❀𓆪༻⋆༺𓆩❀·
What does pain change about your personality?
I tend to be very mean & its as if i just want everyone to leave me alone. its a double edge sword. I take solace in being alone but when actually left alone and in pain I idealize a lot of bad things... I take comfort in fantasizing about depressive things. definitely.
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What scares you most during a flare? every flare that I have had has resulted in another organ of mine hurting itself or working towards failure. the idea that my next flare could fuck up some other organ of mine is the scariest thing to me so I avoid flares as much as I can. ·⋆༺𓆩❀𓆪༻⋆༺𓆩❀𓆪༻⋆༺𓆩❀𓆪༻⋆
What’s your relationship with hospitals and doctors now?
i grew up in a lower middle class immigrant Latino family that dropped everything to move to the US. we avoided the hospital like the plague. anything that hurt me or bothered me physically for 20 years I boiled down to things that could easily be solved by an OTC medication. before my diagnosis' I would lie to my pcp & other doctors due to the fact that i just wanted to get out of there as soon as possible it felt as if my well being was a nuisance to those whose job were to help me as if these issues were intertwined with just being human. when I had my first flare, my family had already had a financial come up & we are more towards middle class atp but i really did try everything to NOT get medical intervention until I couldn't withstand the pain anymore reminding me now that this was due to my families fear of western medicine & the price tags behind being healthy - it took me about 6 months to get diagnosed. i realized quite recently that these people are here to help me. even when I am the loneliest I do feel as if all my doctors are my friends.
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Loveee itttt, can we be website neighbours?
just randomly found ur syt and omg I am in luv with your style. total awesome vibes for reelz
hi thank u so very much any sort of compliment towards my art and style are so heart warming. love u
thank u pookie mwah
wishing you all the best, hope things go well with the TEE and you're able to keep the valve. Takes a special person to try make best with all the things you've been dealt with also the princess peach glass door was such a good idea, now i yearn to paint my doors too
your site is amazing! So creative! Add me if u like!
hi thank you so very much you are the first person to mention something about the personal things i put on this blog. i really appreciate your time reading into my life. you should def paint ur doors paint anything the world is ur oyster. may everything prosper in your life ill check out ur page after my fortnite game hehe mwah <3
hi thank you so much ill check u out and def add you !
omg... one chronically ill girl to another I feel u... U are so cool and beautiful and this site is incredible
oh this site is EATINGGG
omg its always fun to talk to others that have chronic health issues. what do you have if u dont mind me asking!!!? btw im totally high af off the edibleS LOLLLL
hi pookie thank you so much i love you mwah
I have congenital hypothyroidism because my thyroid was born in the wrong place, and dw girl im high too LMAO
hiiii nicoleeee
hi pookie i was stalking ur page and you are absolutely everything to me i love your brain and if youre in the NYC area and need a friend or someone to show u around dont forget about meee!!!! mwah i love ur page and ur mind my intelligent polsci queen
Waitttt hooooeee i come for my summer two weeks in newyork on sat, so for sure we can hangggg. My grandma cannot take pics ;((((((
Loveeee youuuu creative cunttttt ;))))))
ur so awesome i love ur vibe
LOVEEE YOUR PAGE!! SUCH A COOL VIBE HEHEHE